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Posts Tagged ‘hope’

Now that I’m medicated for Bipolar Disorder, I have to say that I am not free of depression, bur rather it is less of a frequent/severe visitor. Even so, when it does pay me a visit, it’s always noticeable and unpleasant. I have been suffering through a bout of it recently, and I’d have to say the worst part about is that I often feel like nothing on this planet interests me. It’s almost like a case of severe boredom, despite having plenty of work to do right now, and things to look forward to. Depression causes me to look around my world and ask, “Why?”

Often times, I will get very excited and motivated about something, and moments later feel that “why” coming on. I’m pretty sure it’s not a BP cycle. I’ve decided it’s one of two things, maybe both. Either my brain, in it’s state of depression, can’t handle too much happy overload, or it’s a result of having been sexually abused – feeling like I don’t deserve the happiness, or waiting for the other shoe to drop. All I know is, I have spent my whole life struggling to enjoy pure joy.

I take notice of the things we all know but don’t dwell on – well, the things healthy people don’t dwell on. I see how short life is. I understand when the Bible says that this is all meaningless, because I see the meaninglessness of it. And somehow, in the meaninglessness, we have a purpose here… which is a theological concept I don’t grasp and it really bugs the snot out of me when I’m down.

So I fill my mind with the things of God I do understand – His loving kindness, mercy, forgiveness, and grace. I found myself forcing myself to verbally remind myself today. It’s like this world is a beautiful lake, but there’s this sludgy film on top preventing the lake from showing off it’s natural beauty.

Which isn’t to say I don’t have bad days that have nothing to do with depression. Maybe work was too hectic, or the car isn’t running properly, or I’m stuck on a writing project. And then the people that know I suffer from depression often incorrectly assume it’s because I’m “being bipolar.” I wish I could give them a glimpse into my world, not because I want them to suffer, but because I want them to understand, to push away that slimy film on top to reveal the beauty of the lake underneath, so they see that although it’s beautiful, it’s complicated beneath the surface.

Truthfully, I don’t always know when I’m depressed, but I do know when I’m not.

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