Posts Tagged ‘babies’

I don’t know that I’ve ever written this before, because it is so deeply personal, but the older I get, the more I feel the need to talk about it.

Having children. When my husband and I got married, we moved into a 3-bedroom house because we intended to start a family a year later. I can’t describe the excitement and joy I had over the idea. I used to sit and sketch what I thought our children would look like. I loved them before they were even created. A girl would be Emily, a boy would be Noah.

But life got in the way. My husband became seriously physically ill, and I was mentally ill. We lost jobs, our finances dissipated, and our marriage started to crumble. Not only were we not in a position to have kids, we found that we couldn’t. The dream began to fade, and we downsized our living arrangements. But we’re in a different place now. Our marriage is good, our finances are more in order, and we’ve grown as Christians. I pushed it out of my mind for as long as I could. I vowed to focus on a writing career and poured out the love I had saved up for my own kids onto my 4 precious nieces and nephews. Our home is covered in pictures of them. We became surrogate parents to two of them.

Most of the time, I look around my apartment and deeply appreciate the peace and quiet, and I love the fact that our second bedroom has been turned into an office for me to work in. But sometimes I stand there in the doorway and envision a nursery. I picture our lives with children. When I try, I am able to focus my attention elsewhere, but down deep, I long to be a mommy. There are things I always wanted to shower my children with – a love for nature, the ability to swim at a young age, and a passion for all things Christmas. Most of all, I wanted to raise my kids with the knowledge of Christ, which is something I had very little of, and bring them up in a church family. I wanted people to look at our little ones and try and figure out which parent they looked like most. I wanted to throw them birthday parts, be honest and open with them about sex, and make our home a place for their troubled friends to come and feel like a part of the family.

I don’t know if we’ll ever have kids. If you asked me to my face, I’d tell you I didn’t mind.

But I do. Deeply. I’m almost 30 and I care now more than ever before.

It can be hard loving someone who isn’t here, and might never be, but I can’t help but love anyway.


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